A Satirical Guide to Perfecting Mediocrity—And How The2Guys Can Break the Cycle
So, 2024. The year when the economy did its best impression of a rollercoaster designed by a happy drunk, interest rates played hard to get, and Private Equity firms nodded along in investor meetings while secretly wondering if their “growth plays” were just expensive PowerPoint illusions.
But here we are in 2025, ready to do it all over again. Because apparently, if you keep making the same strategic decisions, you’ll definitely get different results. (Narrator: You won’t.)
Let’s explore the art of repeating past mistakes—and why The2Guys might be the intervention your portfolio needs before it becomes another “Case study in private equity regret.”
The Ultimate Guide to Guaranteed Mediocrity in 2025
Master the “Growth by Hope” Strategy
Keep investing in companies that say, “We have a great product, we just need better sales.” Translation: “We have no idea who our customers are, our GTM strategy is a dart board, and our marketing consists of an intern posting LinkedIn polls.”
The2Guys Fix: Our Growth Potential Analysis (GPA) actually looks at data—revolutionary concept, we know—to give you real insights instead of CEO optimism disguised as strategy.
Perfect the “Marketing Magic” Mindset
Pour millions into “brand awareness” and “thought leadership,” then act surprised when Q4 rolls around and revenue hasn’t magically scaled with your ad spend. Because clearly, throwing money at LinkedIn ads is a solid growth strategy.
The2Guys Fix: Our Growth Potential Quadrant (GPQ) separates real scalable ROI from expensive vanity metrics. High growth + high ROI? Winner. Low growth + low ROI? Time for an intervention.
Master the Art of Invisible Differentiation
Keep your portfolio companies shouting “We’re innovative!” into the void while their competitors actually understand their audience and have real differentiation. Bonus points if your website still uses stock photos of people pointing at screens.
The2Guys Fix: The Growth Activation Plan (GAP) crafts market positioning that actually means something. Because being “industry-leading” doesn’t count if everyone else is leading too.
Champion the “Sales Will Figure It Out” Philosophy
Watch your sales team chase wrong leads with inconsistent messaging, then double down on “sales efforts” when targets are missed. Because clearly, the problem is they’re not sending enough “Just checking in” emails.
The2Guys Fix: We implement structured methodologies like MEDDICC and Challenger Sales, creating a predictable revenue model that doesn’t depend on luck or the phase of the moon.
The Alternative: Actually Engineering Growth
You could keep doing what you did in 2024 and get the same mix of mild disappointment and emergency “pivot” meetings. Or you could bring in The2Guys.
We don’t consult—we execute.
We don’t sell ideas—we deliver numbers.
We don’t do guesswork—we do Growth Velocity.
Because in a world where everyone talks about growth, only the smart ones actually engineer it.
The choice is yours: Another year of predictable disappointment? Or a strategic shift that turns potential into performance?
But if you call us in Q4 2025, we’ll try really hard not to say “We told you so.”